“What do women want?” pondered psychiatry icon Sigmund Freud in between puffing on a cigar he hadn’t quite made up his mind about yet. If brilliant scientific minds like his couldn’t resolve the question, what chance do the rest of us common dudes have? Herein, a small clip to interpret woman-ese – results subject to change at whim, of course.

She says: “It’s fine.”

Actually: Narrator: “But it was not fine.”

A woman who protests “It’s fine.” most likely has a ton of baggage behind the statement, but it’s too messy and complicated and explosive to deal with right now. She doesn’t want to make a scene. Find an opportunity later to bring the matter up again, very delicately.

She says: “I’ll be ready in just a minute.”

Actually: She does sincerely want to be ready that fast.

We need to appreciate that women just have a truckload more issues with how they look than men do. Guys, we don’t cause an issue in this department, do we? Deciding on an outfit can be a strategic equation factoring in the occasion, the expected company, and biological factors.

She says: “Fine, do whatever you want!”

Actually: She feels you’re going to anyway, and it’s still not fine.

This isn’t a woman giving consent. This is a woman throwing up her hands saying “I can’t reason with this asshole anymore!”

She says: “How do you know her?”

Actually: Do I have to fight her?

This one isn’t too hard to figure out. She’s seen another woman who seems to be awfully friendly with you and is now anxious about just how much of a threat she represents to your relationship. You can help ease her mind by making a point never to use your “boyfriend voice” around another woman in front of her. Use your “coworker,” “nephew,” or “tenant” voice instead.

She says: “It’s not you, it’s me.”

Actually: It’s all you, but she doesn’t want to hurt you.

Women walk around generally fearful of crushing guys’ fragile egos all the time. Not only do they not want to be unnecessarily mean, but they just can’t stand to watch a guy go to pieces. It’s just gross. Just let this one go and move on.